Tips for Wannabe Allies

Last night, I had my first experience calling someone out for making a racist comment.  I figured this was the perfect time to write my first social justist-motivated blog post.

First, I should explain what happened.

I'm at Harvard this summer to do astronomy research, which means the people I spend most of my time with are self-proclaimed astronomy nerds, so much so that we all wanted to hang out around a telescope at 1:00 AM on a Friday night.  We also all happen to identify as people of color. 

When we got to the door that leads to the telescope, a man in the next room immediately assumed we didn't have access (despite the fact that we were able to open the door) and told us we had to leave. We bypassed that situation and made it to the telescope, but some people wanted to talk about it more.

One member of the group said he thought that the man had assumed we didn't have access because most of us presented as people of color, and POCs aren't expected to belong in places like Harvard astronomical observatories. He also said he thought that some people in the group had automatically accepted this man as an authority figure because he presented as a white male.  Another member of the group (let's call him Shaun) said that was ridiculous. He had accepted the man as an authority figure because he spoke so confidently. 

There was some back and forth between the two, so I decided to jump in and try to end it. I told Shaun that

1.  The man was able to speak so confidently because he was a white man and white men are made to feel comfortable in most predominantly white spaces.
2. With knowledge of the white supremacy culture we live in today, it's safe to assume that many interactions like this one are racially motivated.
3. Assuming that it was racially motivated, his reaction was a result of being brought up in a culture that assumes POCs don't belong in academic settings, as was Shaun's acceptance of this man's word as law. 

I've been reading up on this subject lately, thanks to the reading assignments we have as part of the Banneker Institute.  I've read that when people get called out for their actions, they often get defensive or angry, or they try to detour the conversation and distract the person who called them out.  But it's one thing to read about these tactics and another thing entirely to see them in action.

Shaun immediately jumped to defend himself and say he wasn't a racist.  In fact, according to him, he couldn't be a racist because he was a minority, too, and by saying that the man questioned us because we were POCs, we were being reverse racist.

That was when I lost most -if not all- of my respect for Shaun. But I still felt like I needed to turn this into a teachable moment (I'm actually awful at letting things go and allowing moments to pass without making them worse).  It's now been about 24 hours since the incident, so I don't remember exactly what was said, and even if I did I wouldn't transcribe it all here, but there was an argument that went on way longer than it needed to. 

By the end of the night, some people's feelings were hurt, at least one relationship was irreparably damaged, and everyone was frustrated.  All of this because one person couldn't distinguish between being told that his actions were borne of a racist culture and being called a racist.

So, I'd like to give the following advice to anyone who reads this post:

1. If someone says that something you've said or done was offensive (whether it was racist, sexist, homophobic, etc.), recognize that they are not calling you a bad person. Instead of jumping to defend yourself, simply apologize, learn from your mistake, and move on.
2. If you are in a position of power in a setting, or you pass for someone who traditionally holds a position of power, and someone from a marginalized group says they think they experienced prejudice, do not tell them they are wrong. If you don't understand the situation, ask them to explain it (but don't be upset if they say no, because it is not their responsibility to educate you). Otherwise, express sympathy, ask what you can do to make the situation better, or shut the hell up. 
3. Do not use the term "reverse racism."  Ever. Like, seriously, that's just a dumb move.

If we lived in a perfectly logical world, I don't think these guidelines would be too hard to follow, but apparently we live in one where these are easier said than done.  But we can't expect it to get easier to do if we don't say it a lot, so let's spread them around and educate the Shauns of the world.